sometimes i feel like the only thing that gives me that craving, that motivation to get it, is drugs . specifically weed lol . if there's a will there is a way, i WILL acquire a nug or a pen or even butter . now it's come to the point where i feel like weed is the easiest thing for me to manifest into my space, i don't even really have to work for it . that cruise i was talking about before ? i was too scared to bring my pen on the boat, didn't know what was allowed and what wasn't . but someone on our trip ended up having the best dab pen ever and i was so thankful . or there's been plenty of times where i thought i was going to run out of bud and then i'd either get gifted some, more money would come in, or i'd get lucky and find an unfinished joint somewhere . it's nice to not even worry about where i'll get weed from . when i lost my reliable plugs, new ones showed up . i never really worry about running out now .

but i just wonder if i want weed more than i want a successful art career . or that i want another 30 min nap more than i want to revamp my twitch channel overlays . or that i want to scroll on socials for no reason more than i want to edit or look over my memories . i still haven't looked over my memories from the cruise, but i am certainly up to date on the latest internet drama thanks to youtube nonsense ...

am i just not as hungry as i thought i was ? is this whole art thing supposed to be more of a hobby than a career ?
immediately my mind is screaming no, was saying no as i typed out the sentence . i want this . i want this . so i really have to start fucking acting like it . start playing the part so the universe will give me the proper role . i don't need to be the broke and lost, unorganized artist . i need to be an alien who carves her space into the art world-and that means i need to stop putting temporary pleasures and numbing activities above my art goals . how else am i going to become my desired future self if i keep repeating the same patterns as before, before i knew what it was like to be disciplined .

i'm still trying hard to stay focused, to have strong output, to complete things . <33 here's some pieces i finished this July:

one of my fav-if not my only fav ??-print making spots, Raw Paw, was having their annual t-shirt design challenge . the theme was heaven vs hell, so obviously i felt like i had to make a design with one of my demons in it >v< she's an Undertown demon being sent back to where she needs to be, even tho she doesn't wanna be there . you can actually buy the shirt now, it's online at Raw Paw ! i'll yap more about the story of the design and how the process went later in the week tho~

Art Fight 2026 is over now, i was only able to get 2/7 of the sketches i had in mind done, but they came out cute so i'm happy . and even more happy that i COMPLETED some illustrations this month ! i was not doing great with that the past 2-3 months so i gotta be thankful i got some art done ;v; it had been mostly videos lately anyway; i missed drawing and being illustrative lol

ahh, i started this letter all sad n down about myself, but all i needed to do was see the work i had been chipping away at to see i'm still fighting this fight <33 and i don't care how many times i drop the ball or get knocked over, i'll get back up again so i can see the future for my art and characters that i know i can get !! i am sending you so much love, thank you for listening to me and looking at my creations ;v; now i feel like i earned a lil smoke sesh LOL

-Spiry